Story #65. Things About Punching, Kicking, and YOU, and also stuff!

Hello there!

Saturday. I was attended a body combat class this afternoon. I love it like always. The class is about punching, kicking, strike, and sometimes jumping if you’re kinda on “energy explosion” mode on. Wondering what makes me love the class… All of the moves are a challenging mix of martial arts and endurance, unleashing strength I never knew I had. It’s like 60minutes that I can leave whatever on my messy mind just to –mostly– punch.

Have you ever feel like your mind is empty and messy at the same time? Don’t know what you thinking of but also feels like you full of shit. Do I look stupid for saying such thing? Well, I am! At the combat class I punch and kick the air, yeah an empty air. The air is as empty as my mind, but  my body is as busy as my mind, what a mess. The first time I’m join in this class, I imagine many things that bother me that day, and you and also some other faces that annoy me, and then imagine stuff that I don’t like but I can do nothing about it, and all those frustrated stuff magically energize me to punch, to kick, to jab, to strike, and even to jump. That was fun until as time goes by I can enjoy the moves with the music beat and energized by a happy feeling. Sometimes in the middle of the class, I feel like I can’t punch anymore. Had my heart race, out of breathe. Kadang sampai mau muntah rasanya. I don’t care, I just slow down for a while instead. But that’s the good thing, minutes when I don’t feel my self, minutes that I don’t think, minutes that i don’t remember how to feel any emotion. I just punch and kick as the rhythm play.  I feel it like a kick drum, beating faster in my chest. I start to enjoy it. My moves is no longer about anger and frustration but it turn into a happy feeling. Have no idea why it turn that way. The emotion just blew up and gone. The more I think about nothing, I can kick higher, I can punch stronger, I jump… errr.. not good, never higher than everyone at the class, but at least I try to jump, LoL!

I read this once that neurologist claim that every time you resist acting on your anger, you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving. Somehow it probably right. It’s a complicated world, plus you and stuff are sucks. Sometimes I get mad and I punch -the empty air, iya laah, i don’t punch people- I keep punching and when I feel like I can’t punch anymore, i just… PUNCH!


PS. I find my body in pain after the class, as always. But I don’t care. I love the pain instead. Just like I do love the complicated world. As complicated as your crazy love. It’s your saying, “Love is either crazy or it’s nothing at all” –Milan Kundera.



See you in my next episodes of life.


Story #64. A Birthday (Apple of my eye, love me till I Die – 1)

(A story from a friend, for her hidden child)

Dear you,
Hey, how are you doing today? Your birthday is about few days ago. You celebrate your first birthday at school, right? You start the school earlier than I was. I was 5 when I started, kids nowadays starts school earlier, your parent said it should be good for you to start an early “social interaction” with other kids at your age. You’re wearing a cute pink uniform, white socks, a pair of black girly shoes… look at that cute ponytail, you put a smile on your pretty face, you look so perfect! Yeah, I got a picture your mom sent to me, that’s how I know. She was also send me a short video when you make a line with your new friends before going to the class. You singing “naik kereta api, tut… tut.. tut..” as the teacher guide you to the class. Time flies, three years ago I was holding you in my arm, keep your tiny head next to my heart beat and I oftenly silly singing “apple of my eye, love me till I die“. And all you did was just sleeping, or greedily having me breast feeding you. I miss that moment. I do miss you.

I remember you were asking for a roller skates. I said to your mom and dad that I’ll give it to you as your birhday present. I know you really want it. But it was silly when your dad remaind me that you’re only three and you may get injured with it. “Sepatu roda? Waduh, jangan dulu deh.. nanti malah kegeblak dia..😓 Later when she get 5 deh..” he said. Stupid me, eh? 🙈 Thank to the parent that take a good care of you. Now you’re the heart of the family.
Parent. Your Parent. Two adult that commited to raise you. Adopt you for exact. Visit me regularly during the pregnancies that I hide from everyone, include your biological father, of course. They brought us a lot of food. You always like it. Do you remember? Been years in a marriage and wishing for a baby girl. And then you came, in such a magic way. They said it is a fate that you came to them thru me. I thank God that you’re with them. I bring you all into my pray.

This time is a special pray. I’m so lucky to see you growing up. To be close to you is something more than I deserve. I can’t thank God enough. I pray God that you’ll always bring love and happiness to the family. “…supaya kamu jadi anak yang pintar, baik, dan sopan.” Just like I whispered in your ear every morning at the chapel.

Happy birthday to you, (my) star bright. My best wishes for you. Apple of my eye, love me till I die.


Story #63. Love’s Just a Feeling

Hi there :- )


When I don’t know where else to go, Starbucks is always being my best choice. My favorite spot is fall to the one in Karawaci next to Benton Junction, and another one is close to Pasar Baru, Jakarta. I had my all time pleasure: Caramel Machiato. Ice. Grande. I do exercise but can’t help myself to reject hundreds of calories within, LoL ! Macchiato is an Italian word meaning “marked.” Perhaps there’s a story why an American franchisee put Italian name for the menus. I’m a coffee lover, but I don’t drink black. I like it smooth, sweet, and strong at the same time, like when the espresso hit the milk and blend with the caramel sauce.


I sat down at the corner, prepare my self to read a book, but I can’t. Guess I’m not in a good mood to read. I saw bunch of whatsapp notification on the phone screen. The number of notifications can be the same as the number of calories in my coffee. I’ll check them later. I went to youtube, instead. Check on Lindsey Stirling and found “Love’s just a feeling”.


Cause love’s just a feeling
Some kind of emotion
When you need the healing
When you’re all broken
Don’t overthink it
But for the moment live slowly


I wonder Is it really as simple as what she said? Well I remembered my dating record. Love is really just some kind of emotion that in term of hormonal can boost my mood in almost everything I do. Make me feel like   “I wanna fall like I won’t hit the ground, I wanna dance like nobody’s around, Walk on the edge and not look down, Follow my heart and lose my head into the clouds”.


Love is persist, it’s the man keep come and go. I fall, I broke my heart, I get heal, and then I fall again. The circle is bullshit but it’s the truth. As time goes by, I try not to overthink about it. I live the moment slowly, every moment, indeed. Each one of them are worth to live. Even that I have to face a hard time through it, love is really some kind of emotion with a fragile consequences. I was once feel like I’ll never be able to live again, I mean I’m not the same person as I ever was. I realize I do not change, I just grow up becoming somebody stronger. I’m not afraid to fall again. I hold my hands up, Afraid of so much. It’s time I let it all go, Maybe I’ve lost touch. In all the blind love. I’m gonna let it all go.


Cause love’s just a feeling
Don’t overthink it

But for the moment live slowly!


I sip my coffee, I love the espresso touch within. Kind of strong emotion that you can only taste it at the tip of the tongue.



See you in my next episode of life.

Story #62. Born To Die

Come and take a walk on the wild side. Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane. Choose your last words.

This is the last time… ‘Cause you and I, we were born to die… (Lana del Ray)

This is such a nice place in the morning! Been months I spent my sunday morning here for falun dafa, but don’t talk to me about my consistency practicing falun dafa. I am at the lowest level. Some people practicing yoga and tai chi here, and also aerobic 😅. Yeah, aerobic. The one with a loud music. Hard beat, also screams sometimes, while other excercises use only such instrumental. I sit down here waiting for my partner to come. With that loud music from the aerobic corner, I find it is not easy to concentrate here, but it’s a challange , I guess. Whatever. I used to come to this place years ago, spent the night with bunch of friends. I was early 20es, young, naif, and stupid! Late in the afternoon till drop this place is a hawker center. There are some restaurant as well, including two fancy korean restaurant, which I don’t like any, for me, Bornga is still the best! 

Sometimes I wonder and imagine randome things. Like the second I sit  here, listening to Lana del Ray singing we were born to die. My memory’s back to random moments in the past. What should a human do in their live if we were only born to die? What do they search? Why can’t we choose the way we die? I remember my 10years old nephew give a thought about death, he said “What makes people die? I mean, in what term God is taking someone’s live? A new born baby can die as well as an adult die cause of ill. A baby isn’t yet living a life, an adult might not yet enough time to do good things for people around, not enough chances to do awesome things in life. Kalo aku yang meninggal gimana? Baru umur segini, rasanya naik bajaj aja belom tau.” It was a stupid couple minute shocking moment for me as I never expect such question come from a kid. 

Well, technically we’re all were born to die. But life is about how we live the life, how we feel, how we deal. I believe that before we born, we’re all a free spirit. And then right before the universe magically blows us into a woman’s womb, turn us into fetus, we have had deal about whatever we face in life. It include happy and sad, up and down, consequences of options we take, chances, wtf. The second we born, it was like we push a reset button. We don’t remember what we had deal with the universe. We’re all an empty mind, growth to learn and to search our own meaning in life. To feel pain, to live the drama, to fullfil the emptyness of our souls. 

I’ve walk at the darkest and wildest side of my life. I can’t see what’s in front of me, all I know is to keep walking… 

…Would you walk with me? Be alive with me, let me kiss you hard under the pouring rain… We can lay down somewhere under the sky, don’t you know every second we look up to the sky is a handmade view from the universe just for us? If there’s another second I look up after you kiss my lips, the universe capture me another view. I wanna hear you whisper me your last word, perhaps this is the last time, cause we were born to die.


See you in the next stories 😉