“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”
Year 2013. I lived by myself. Away from parent and families. Rent a room in a city, near my office. My routine was get up – working – sleeping – repeat. Sometimes on the weekend I hangout with some fellows or fly to Jakarta to see mom, dad, bro and nephew. I don’t think I can get bored with my daily basis. In my office that time, there’s an old man I know as security. One day in the afternoon when I came back to office after a visitation I say hi to this old man. It was almost Eid Al Fitr I remember. He asked me, “bentar lagi libur lebaran, bali omah ra ‘nduk?” -holiday is coming, do u plan to come home?- I said, “Nggak deh, PakDe. Malah kayaknya mau main ke Lampung!” –No, in fact, I plan to visit Lampung during holiday- I know the beach is awesome in Lampung. His next response was “How long have u been lived alone? Don’t you feel like always missing home?” . Wow! I start to count, it was 2004 when I was started. Yeah, I start the university and then working and never cross in mind that I wanna live with my parent again. That moment when he asked if I’m missing home I shut my mouth for a second. I feel so strange. No one asked me such question before. I start to count, it’s been 9 years since my parents do not see me every single day 😜.
But What is that strange feeling that I felt? How can I think that the second he asked me I feel like it’s mom or dad that asking. Nine years is a wow since I never count it. I think I more than miss them. Sometimes I feel exhausted too. I might just cover it well with doing good at work and having a little social life. I get used to take care of myself, keep my body simply health and trying to be makesense in everything so I can categoriezed my self as “alive”. -Anyway in fact I don’t really care of my own health. I just got a gastric pain right now, writing this random story-. I’m handling frustration, turn sadness into happiness, struggling for my life, light up a hope when I feel like give up, but yeah.. that was a fucking second when I extremly feel exhausted for trying to be stronger than I feel. Even my ex was an asshole in that period so I can’t even expect a hug. Poor me.
So I told this old man, “It’s been nine years since I left home. I do miss them, do you think they miss me too? A daughter like this?” 😏 He looked at me shockingly, catch my wide silly smile on my face then we laugh together, the second after he start to make fun of me, “..daughter like you, yeah.. I have no idea.. it is hard to tell..”.
Wtf! I continue life…