Story #71. My Burning Red

“Losing him was blue like I’d never known
Missing him was dark gray all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Oh red
Burning red”

~Taylor Swift~

(early year of 2017)


Him. Even in my daily basis I often forget, but there are some memories that is hard to forget. The harder I try, I harder I fail. Maybe some things in life mean to just stay in mind, and all I can do is keep it in the corner and label it “do not touch”. Reminiscing memories about him, the one I just known for a while. It only need a second to fall for him, LoL. Impression of depression, bad boy but charming, cheerful and hid his pain. I remember first time we met, I didn’t liked him at all. He’s so annoying. Look for attention. Second time we met, we hangout together with some other friends. There where everything started. It’s amazing when we both fall and really, love is real. It’s brighten my day. Being with him is always boost my mood, loving him is like doing free fall from Jembatan Cinta at Tidung Island. It’s not really fall, maybe it’s only less than 10 meters but that’s the only bridge I’ve ever try to free fall for the rest of my life. Feel so rich, excited, and afraid at the same time. “Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song”. Since the universe bring me to him, it’s like I found all I ever wanted while I never really describe myself what do I really want. Like I found the missing puzzle.



As the universe bring us together, it also tear us apart. Somehow it has to reach the end. Had to let him go. I can’t make him stay. “Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong“. It’s pain, it’s sad to not be with him. I break my heart again. This is not easy because the emotions involved between us were so intense. Losing him is blue like I’d never known. I still call his name when he’s not around, like his name is forever in my lips. But we’ve made decision, we’re on our own. I never regret the relationship but in fact I wish things had been different. Missing him is dark grey all alone, forgetting him was like trying to know somebody I never met, and  loving him can turn blue into red. A burning red, that’s us used to be. Then I have to get used with just “me”, being alone again. Keep the memories in the corner of my mind. Somehow I can’t help myself that I miss him and feel the pain in my heart. But I ride my mind, I let the memories stays. I let it be, I keep moving. When the pain re-appears, I said to myself “Feel it, it’s fine, he’s your burning red, carry it and move on“.




See you in my next episode of life.



Story #70. The Teddy Bear Holding an “I Love You” heart (Apple Of My Eye, Love me till I die – 2)

A story from a friend, she’s a hidden mother of her own hidden child. She have a faith and a heart made of gold. 

It’s wednesday, my daughter’s birthday. I plan to buy her something but still thinking what can I buy for her, as she seems has everything a child need. The family where she stays fulfill all of her needs. I thank God for that. At the moment I face a situation, not yet receive my salary. Office usually pay me at the end of next week. So, I have not enough money, and I don’t know what to buy for her. 

The poor me. The lonely me. I gave a birth few years ago. Had consider everything and decide to let her adopted. I curse my boyfriend which also the biological father of my cute daughter. I push him away and hid the child. When I was pregnant, I gently rub my stomach and promise my baby ” I’ll always be there on your birthday, even you don’t call ‘mama’ to me“. So far I try to keep my promise, and after all this time, I thought my parents never care about me and her. I don’t mind it, I’ve never be their perfect daughter, I guess.

Well so here I am, standing at the station on my way back home. Open an online shop application thru my phone while I’m waiting for my train. I saw a cute pink bicycle with a basket in the front side. Ahh.. but she has it already. Lego set, girls toys  like cooking set, iron, groceries whatever, nah.. she has a lot. Maybe a backpack as she’s about to prepare a pre school ?! She might have it as well but I’ll choose her something different from the other and she’ll love it! Yeah! And I’ll buy it after I reveice my salary next week. It’s fine consider my chance to see her will be next week. 

I close the online shop application. My train is not yet to come, but it’s on schedulle. I check my whatsapp, a lot of message as always. I open up first text from my father. He send me a photo. Something wrap with a yellow funny cute wrapping paper and a ribbon. I wrinkle my eyebrows. It can’t be a birhday gift for my daughter. He seems never care that much. I read the text, he said that inside it is a teddy bear holding a red heart say I Love You and a frozen tumbler. I should give it to my daughter. My hidden child.

For a second I felt my heart stop beating.
I read the text over and over again.

I don’t know what happen to me but I suddenly can’t get enough oxygen. I breathe short and fast, my heart start beating again. It’s beat like heavy. Maybe it cause I need more oxygen. I can’t see clearly now, there are tears piling up in the eyelids. I wipe it off before anyone else sees. Act cool like nothing’s happen.
My train is coming. The door’s open right in front of me. I put my phone to my hand bag, avoid the rough passangers. When I enter the train, there’s no more empty seats. So I stand, holding a yellow holder with my left hand and grab my phone with the other hand.

I reply my father’s text, saying thank you. He reply me that he wants to see my daughter as well. He said my daughter must be so happy to receive the gift. 

Oh God… I can’t hold my tears! I cry. And it’s a silly stupid cry until some people notice me crying. The guy in front of me spontaneusly stand up and offer me his seat. And so I sit but I still can’t stop crying. I wipe my tears with my hand. Then a woman next to me handed me tissu. She don’t say a word. She just handed it. 

I don’t cry for long… but as I remembered I stop crying after the third or forth station, half of my trip. I’m so silly. But I’m glad no one bother me asking what happen. And I’m so thankful that at least for a second I knew that my parents care about my child. 

My daughter receive it. She’s so happy. She hug me and say thank you. In my heart I pray, I thank God. It’s like I never have enough thank God. 


Story #69. A Married Man and The Massage Service

Hi there,


This is a story from my friend. She’s married. It was around 2011 I guess. I live in a small city, an island to be exact. I was there for almost one year, it’s duty things. The shape of the island is elongated, and the urban area is only about 17kilometer, the rest is red soil and shrubs for tens of kilometers before I can find another small urban area. I was younger and try to have a good -normal- social life, I socialize with some people: young and old, single and married ones. 


There’s one time my boyfriend (my ex, for now) visit me and we had dinner in a place close to the sea. The place is casual, we spend sometime in the same area to watch sunset and have a Teh Tarik before dinner. We sat in a square table and take an order. Not long after, a woman poke my shoulder and call my name, she introduce us to her husband and her 2yo lovely daughter. That was the first time I saw her husband so we had a handshake before I and my ex get back sit. While we’re eating, my ex was whisper me, “don’t you recognize him (the husband)? he was at the pub that we go last night. Drunk. Busy holding (another) woman”. I was surprised, “the noisy one?” Yeah! I said nothing to my friend, realize that it shouldn’t be my concern. I might hurt her if I tell her so.


My friend isn’t ugly, she’s pretty and nice, she’s also smart but later I know that her husband is a player, even when they got married. ‘how come a woman like you fall for such an asshole’ is a question i never found the answer. Well, months after this woman come to me, her eyes are swollen, she was down. She’s about making her husband deterrent. The husband promised that he would be faithful, and my friend need to proof two things: 1. that her husband can’t never keep promises, and 2. that she’s not a dumb ass to trust him again, she consider for a divorce but things about kid isn’t make it easy. As a woman, she’s also worried of genital disease whatever her husband possibly “bring” from the outside.


Not long after she cried and feel better tell me everything, we start to make a “girls plan!” In this small city, we can easily find a massage place and a day spa which only serves man, you know what I mean. So we make a list and a route map to visit. We also print tens photograph of her husband. It was a crazy idea ever. My first lesson how a wife deal with a bastard husband (I hope to marry the faith one). Need about a couple hour to set the route and print the photos, we also put my friends phone number at each of the backside of the photos. We visit the massage and day spa one by one in the city, meet the whoever in charge at the front desk. We give them photo (one for each place) and a talk to the front desk girls: “I’m (my friend) looking for my husband. Here is photo of his face. My phone number is behind it. Anytime if you see him come here, please text me at this number. If I really find him here I have 200K for you. Don’t worry, I’ll tell him nothing about you”. Some place are really nasty immoral I can’t tell you here but the girls were so awkward when we came in, LoL.


As we expect to happen, days after at one night someone texted my friend, said that her husband is in her work place. WOW !! My friend grab him fast. When my friend come, her husband was already in the room with the massage girl. It was an awkward moment! caught in the act!  they end up with a divorce as her husband promise that he agreed to divorce if he proves to be unfaithful.


You know what, boys will always be boys! keep playing and take the risk.


See you in my next episode of life,


Story #68. Living.. Loving.. Leaving!

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-18 at 4.05.53 PMc

“Walk with me, we’ll figure out where we’re going later”




Have you ever wonder what is life is all about? This time is kind of my random thought. The question was just suddenly comes up in mind last night. It’s hard to answer since it I’m about to sleep. My daily basis is a hectic day and sometimes random thought just crossed in my messy mind. So I try to figure it out before I close my eyes for a couple hours or so.

I’m leaving a life that sometimes I can’t say that I’m enjoy. Life’s is an effort, yeah. Life is a goodbye in every hello. Run a routine but there’s always a new story, a new stair to step, and of course a new sip of morning coffee! People come and go in our life and each of them left a story and a feeling. 

I was once when i’m in junior high, got to move out of town due to my father was transferred by his office. The economic situation was not good that time, it was 1998. So I moved. At first, I tried to be cool but it wasn’t easy to hide the feeling that I missed my friends. It was hurt. I guess that’s the first moment that I remember as I blame on the situation. I regret the moment when I met somebody, getting know each other, then leave each other in a pain, in a dirt, whatever.  I tell nobody. I thought it should be a temporary feeling and then I’ll be allright. I had no idea at that moment, but then I found that there is a purpose for everyone to meet. Some people come into your life to test you, some to teach you, some to use you, and some to bring out the very best of you. So I live a life, still in a  pain, try to deal with it and whatever life offers me. The more happiness I share to everyone, the more I enjoy the goodbyes. It is hurt like everytime, but it’s always just a moment to pass.

The truth is, there’s moment after a hello before a goodbye, and by the nick of time I decide to enjoy that moment rather than being burdened with the pain. Decide to love and accept love if I want it (and while it last, lol). It’s actually surprise me how life is become meaningful. Share the joy, laugh, sometimes I also share a tears although I keep it more often myself. I’m falling in love with the way people laugh, how they fall asleep, the way they listen to music, their faces when they’re watching a show or reading a good book. Their bright eyes and funny face. The deep look before the kiss. The heart beat while hugging. The sparkle on eyes, the wide smile and laugh, the cuddle moment. Life is become a live show. A little drama of course, we can’t avoid it.

I guess the circle of life is living – loving – leaving. It keeps over and over again with different people and situation. With me, I don’t make a promise because I’m affraid I can’t keep it, and so I don’t expect anyone to promise me anything. I’ll respect and accept surprises instead! LoL. Just walk with me, I’ll share you whatever I can share with you in life. But we’ll figure out where we are going later. And if fate tear us apart and you feel sad, remember that this is just a path in life. This too will pass. Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are slightly older and my minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right here for me till death do us apart. There’s nothing to regret, remember there’s purpose why everyone meet.

Happy sunday!

See you in my next episode of life, cheers!

Story #67. Exhausted

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

Year 2013. I lived by myself. Away from parent and families. Rent a room in a city, near my office. My routine was get up – working – sleeping – repeat. Sometimes on the weekend I hangout with some fellows or fly to Jakarta to see mom, dad, bro and nephew. I don’t think I can get bored with my daily basis. In my office that time, there’s an old man I know as security. One day in the afternoon when I came back to office after a visitation I say hi to this old man. It was almost Eid Al Fitr I remember. He asked me, “bentar lagi libur lebaran, bali omah ra ‘nduk?” -holiday is coming, do u plan to come home?- I said, “Nggak deh, PakDe. Malah kayaknya mau main ke Lampung!” –No, in fact, I plan to visit Lampung during holiday- I know the beach is awesome in Lampung. His next response was “How long have u been lived alone? Don’t you feel like always missing home?” . Wow! I start to count, it was 2004 when I was started. Yeah, I start the university and then working and never cross in mind that I wanna live with my parent again. That moment when he asked if I’m missing home I shut my mouth for a second. I feel so strange. No one asked me such question before. I start to count, it’s been 9 years since my parents do not see me every single day 😜. 

But What is that strange feeling that I felt? How can I think that the second he asked me I feel like it’s mom or dad that asking. Nine years is a wow since I never count it. I think I more than miss them. Sometimes I feel exhausted too. I might just cover it well with doing good at work and having a little social life. I get used to take care of myself, keep my body simply health and trying to be makesense in everything so I can categoriezed my self as “alive”. -Anyway in fact I don’t really care of my own health. I just got a gastric pain right now, writing this random story-.   I’m  handling frustration, turn sadness into happiness, struggling for my life, light up a hope when I feel like give up, but yeah.. that was a fucking second when I extremly feel exhausted for trying to be stronger than I feel. Even my ex was an asshole in that period so I can’t even expect a hug. Poor me.

So I told this old man, “It’s been nine years since I left home. I do miss them, do you think they miss me too? A daughter like this?” 😏 He looked at me shockingly, catch my wide silly smile on my face then we laugh together, the second after he start to make fun of me, “..daughter like you, yeah.. I have no idea.. it is hard to tell..”. 

Wtf! I continue life…


Story #66. Drama Asam Lambung

Hey you! :- )

I’m coffee lover, I eat spicy food, and any other delicious food and baverage yang gak boleh dimakan penderita asam lambung akut. Kalo lagi sehat banget ya gue asik-asik aja. But it’s a disaster when it comes up. Gue bisa cuma duduk di tangga kantor di depan toilet, cuma bolak balik muntah. Padahal yang dimuntahin juga cuma air, secara udah terlanjur kumat! Minum air aja keluar lagi, makanan mana sanggup masuk!

So, I was about having a late lunch in a busy day. I promise a friend I’ll come by to do him a favor while I had a late treatment at the body spa 😦  I was in a hurry when I’m done at the day spa at around 1pm. I feel unwell, I don’t think I could drive myself. So I drop my car at home and took a commuter line to my friends place. Gak jauh-jauh amat sih cuma dari Karawaci ke Petojo. I should wait for like 20 minutes at the station because I just missed the train. Arrived at Duri station, another friend inisiatively pick me up. It was a hot day as I remember, I got headache and stomach was feels like hell and it’s getting worse padahal gue gak mau keliatan kalo gue lagi sakit! I don’t want my friend to feel sorry. Kan gue sakit bukan salah dia. Thank God I can lay my head for a while in his car, lol.

When we finally arrive at my friends place, we were working in a hurry. He was working on a short movie video and I do my part as necessary. I had a pancake with vanilla ice cream and also a cup of hot chocolate. It should be yummy if only I’m at my best health. Sayangnya enggak! 😦 Tapi tetep sih gue makan semua (๑・̑◡・̑๑)

Later when we had done, the one that pick me up at the station offer me a ride, he knows that I was sick. So I get in his car, can’t help to stay awake any longer. I close my eyes but I feel hell in my head and stomach. I was start to cry a little bit. He was about stop by at the atm nearby. I said “I’ll wait in the car“, so he keep the aircon on. Can’t help myself not to puke, I open up the door and puke! About 5 minute after  it, he’s back. He said he’ll drive me home. But I’m such a heartless idiot if I let him do that. Rumahnya di Duren Sawit, gue ke Karawaci, and we were at somewhere in Jakbar. It’s like Sun Go Kongs story, heading west from east looking for a scripture.

I got sick for another couple time after it. Everytime I feel sick, I open up the door and puke. I was about drive him mad karna sembarangan buka pintu bisa celakain pengguna jalan lain kan. He got an idea. He called a friend to accompany our stupid jurney. We pick up his friend, he’s leaving nearby, stop by at the alfamart to buy some drinks and tolak angin. Gue juga dibikinin air gula, baik banget kan temen gue… yang pada akhirnya gue minum seteguk dan berakhir di kantong plastik! He was asked the cashier girl an extra plastic bag. Sengaja. Buat gue muntah biar gak kebangetan nyusahin dan celakain dia. It was the longest trip from jakbar to home. Damn!

We made it. I arrived home safely. His friend had smoking before left the house. “Sebabut” : “sebatang, cabut”. Gue langsung tidur. Perut kosong. Sakit banget mompa muntah. Ga sanggup makan. Baru besokan paginya gue makan! 👻
Been a couple week after it, I hangout with this guy, the one that drives me home. We were with some other fellows. I said, ” …hey, btw, how’s your friend doing? He’s such a good guy ya that he don’t mind to accompany you driving that far”. He answered me slow, “ooh, he’s doin fine. He might worry about you and the baby”. 

Eeh? What baby? Lo yang gila apa gue yang budeg!
His explanation was undebateable. “Jadi gini nes, lo kan sakit, muntah-muntah.. Ya kan gue ajak temen mesti pake alasan donk.. and the reason is should be dramatic.. so I made up a story that you are pregnant. You were good in acting like a pregnant woman that day.”

Oh he’s sucks and I feel like a crap!!
He continue his story, so his friend was agree to accompany him. While he saw me, he believe that I’m pregnant. On their way back to Jakarta, his friend was asking “So, what would you do now? Marry her?” My friend was like “yeah, as it’s mine so yeah, what else can I do”. 

WTF! I wasn’t pregnant, I’m just disgustingly put him in a situation. I hate that his explanation was so right. Siapa juga orang gila mau nempuh jakarta barat – karawaci – duren sawit 🙈.


Story #65. Things About Punching, Kicking, and YOU, and also stuff!

Hello there!

Saturday. I was attended a body combat class this afternoon. I love it like always. The class is about punching, kicking, strike, and sometimes jumping if you’re kinda on “energy explosion” mode on. Wondering what makes me love the class… All of the moves are a challenging mix of martial arts and endurance, unleashing strength I never knew I had. It’s like 60minutes that I can leave whatever on my messy mind just to –mostly– punch.

Have you ever feel like your mind is empty and messy at the same time? Don’t know what you thinking of but also feels like you full of shit. Do I look stupid for saying such thing? Well, I am! At the combat class I punch and kick the air, yeah an empty air. The air is as empty as my mind, but  my body is as busy as my mind, what a mess. The first time I’m join in this class, I imagine many things that bother me that day, and you and also some other faces that annoy me, and then imagine stuff that I don’t like but I can do nothing about it, and all those frustrated stuff magically energize me to punch, to kick, to jab, to strike, and even to jump. That was fun until as time goes by I can enjoy the moves with the music beat and energized by a happy feeling. Sometimes in the middle of the class, I feel like I can’t punch anymore. Had my heart race, out of breathe. Kadang sampai mau muntah rasanya. I don’t care, I just slow down for a while instead. But that’s the good thing, minutes when I don’t feel my self, minutes that I don’t think, minutes that i don’t remember how to feel any emotion. I just punch and kick as the rhythm play.  I feel it like a kick drum, beating faster in my chest. I start to enjoy it. My moves is no longer about anger and frustration but it turn into a happy feeling. Have no idea why it turn that way. The emotion just blew up and gone. The more I think about nothing, I can kick higher, I can punch stronger, I jump… errr.. not good, never higher than everyone at the class, but at least I try to jump, LoL!

I read this once that neurologist claim that every time you resist acting on your anger, you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving. Somehow it probably right. It’s a complicated world, plus you and stuff are sucks. Sometimes I get mad and I punch -the empty air, iya laah, i don’t punch people- I keep punching and when I feel like I can’t punch anymore, i just… PUNCH!


PS. I find my body in pain after the class, as always. But I don’t care. I love the pain instead. Just like I do love the complicated world. As complicated as your crazy love. It’s your saying, “Love is either crazy or it’s nothing at all” –Milan Kundera.



See you in my next episodes of life.

Story #64. A Birthday (Apple of my eye, love me till I Die – 1)

(A story from a friend, for her hidden child)

Dear you,
Hey, how are you doing today? Your birthday is about few days ago. You celebrate your first birthday at school, right? You start the school earlier than I was. I was 5 when I started, kids nowadays starts school earlier, your parent said it should be good for you to start an early “social interaction” with other kids at your age. You’re wearing a cute pink uniform, white socks, a pair of black girly shoes… look at that cute ponytail, you put a smile on your pretty face, you look so perfect! Yeah, I got a picture your mom sent to me, that’s how I know. She was also send me a short video when you make a line with your new friends before going to the class. You singing “naik kereta api, tut… tut.. tut..” as the teacher guide you to the class. Time flies, three years ago I was holding you in my arm, keep your tiny head next to my heart beat and I oftenly silly singing “apple of my eye, love me till I die“. And all you did was just sleeping, or greedily having me breast feeding you. I miss that moment. I do miss you.

I remember you were asking for a roller skates. I said to your mom and dad that I’ll give it to you as your birhday present. I know you really want it. But it was silly when your dad remaind me that you’re only three and you may get injured with it. “Sepatu roda? Waduh, jangan dulu deh.. nanti malah kegeblak dia..😓 Later when she get 5 deh..” he said. Stupid me, eh? 🙈 Thank to the parent that take a good care of you. Now you’re the heart of the family.
Parent. Your Parent. Two adult that commited to raise you. Adopt you for exact. Visit me regularly during the pregnancies that I hide from everyone, include your biological father, of course. They brought us a lot of food. You always like it. Do you remember? Been years in a marriage and wishing for a baby girl. And then you came, in such a magic way. They said it is a fate that you came to them thru me. I thank God that you’re with them. I bring you all into my pray.

This time is a special pray. I’m so lucky to see you growing up. To be close to you is something more than I deserve. I can’t thank God enough. I pray God that you’ll always bring love and happiness to the family. “…supaya kamu jadi anak yang pintar, baik, dan sopan.” Just like I whispered in your ear every morning at the chapel.

Happy birthday to you, (my) star bright. My best wishes for you. Apple of my eye, love me till I die.


Story #63. Love’s Just a Feeling

Hi there :- )


When I don’t know where else to go, Starbucks is always being my best choice. My favorite spot is fall to the one in Karawaci next to Benton Junction, and another one is close to Pasar Baru, Jakarta. I had my all time pleasure: Caramel Machiato. Ice. Grande. I do exercise but can’t help myself to reject hundreds of calories within, LoL ! Macchiato is an Italian word meaning “marked.” Perhaps there’s a story why an American franchisee put Italian name for the menus. I’m a coffee lover, but I don’t drink black. I like it smooth, sweet, and strong at the same time, like when the espresso hit the milk and blend with the caramel sauce.


I sat down at the corner, prepare my self to read a book, but I can’t. Guess I’m not in a good mood to read. I saw bunch of whatsapp notification on the phone screen. The number of notifications can be the same as the number of calories in my coffee. I’ll check them later. I went to youtube, instead. Check on Lindsey Stirling and found “Love’s just a feeling”.


Cause love’s just a feeling
Some kind of emotion
When you need the healing
When you’re all broken
Don’t overthink it
But for the moment live slowly


I wonder Is it really as simple as what she said? Well I remembered my dating record. Love is really just some kind of emotion that in term of hormonal can boost my mood in almost everything I do. Make me feel like   “I wanna fall like I won’t hit the ground, I wanna dance like nobody’s around, Walk on the edge and not look down, Follow my heart and lose my head into the clouds”.


Love is persist, it’s the man keep come and go. I fall, I broke my heart, I get heal, and then I fall again. The circle is bullshit but it’s the truth. As time goes by, I try not to overthink about it. I live the moment slowly, every moment, indeed. Each one of them are worth to live. Even that I have to face a hard time through it, love is really some kind of emotion with a fragile consequences. I was once feel like I’ll never be able to live again, I mean I’m not the same person as I ever was. I realize I do not change, I just grow up becoming somebody stronger. I’m not afraid to fall again. I hold my hands up, Afraid of so much. It’s time I let it all go, Maybe I’ve lost touch. In all the blind love. I’m gonna let it all go.


Cause love’s just a feeling
Don’t overthink it

But for the moment live slowly!


I sip my coffee, I love the espresso touch within. Kind of strong emotion that you can only taste it at the tip of the tongue.



See you in my next episode of life.