Story #67. Exhausted

“I’m exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”



Year 2013. I lived by myself. Away from parent and families. Rent a room in a city, near my office. My routine was get up – working – sleeping – repeat. Sometimes on the weekend I hangout with some fellows or fly to Jakarta to see mom, dad, bro and nephew. I don’t think I can get bored with my daily basis. In my office that time, there’s an old man I know as security. One day in the afternoon when I came back to office after a visitation I say hi to this old man. It was almost Eid Al Fitr I remember. He asked me, “bentar lagi libur lebaran, bali omah ra ‘nduk?” -holiday is coming, do u plan to come home?- I said, “Nggak deh, PakDe. Malah kayaknya mau main ke Lampung!” –No, in fact, I plan to visit Lampung during holiday- I know the beach is awesome in Lampung. His next response was “How long have u been lived alone? Don’t you feel like always missing home?” . Wow! I start to count, it was 2004 when I was started. Yeah, I start the university and then working and never cross in mind that I wanna live with my parent again. That moment when he asked if I’m missing home I shut my mouth for a second. I feel so strange. No one asked me such question before. I start to count, it’s been 9 years since my parents do not see me every single day 😜. 

But What is that strange feeling that I felt? How can I think that the second he asked me I feel like it’s mom or dad that asking. Nine years is a wow since I never count it. I think I more than miss them. Sometimes I feel exhausted too. I might just cover it well with doing good at work and having a little social life. I get used to take care of myself, keep my body simply health and trying to be makesense in everything so I can categoriezed my self as “alive”. -Anyway in fact I don’t really care of my own health. I just got a gastric pain right now, writing this random story-.   I’m  handling frustration, turn sadness into happiness, struggling for my life, light up a hope when I feel like give up, but yeah.. that was a fucking second when I extremly feel exhausted for trying to be stronger than I feel. Even my ex was an asshole in that period so I can’t even expect a hug. Poor me.

So I told this old man, “It’s been nine years since I left home. I do miss them, do you think they miss me too? A daughter like this?” 😏 He looked at me shockingly, catch my wide silly smile on my face then we laugh together, the second after he start to make fun of me, “..daughter like you, yeah.. I have no idea.. it is hard to tell..”. 



Wtf! I continue life…

Ciao!



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Story #66. Drama Asam Lambung


Hey you! :- )

I’m coffee lover, I eat spicy food, and any other delicious food and baverage yang gak boleh dimakan penderita asam lambung akut. Kalo lagi sehat banget ya gue asik-asik aja. But it’s a disaster when it comes up. Gue bisa cuma duduk di tangga kantor di depan toilet, cuma bolak balik muntah. Padahal yang dimuntahin juga cuma air, secara udah terlanjur kumat! Minum air aja keluar lagi, makanan mana sanggup masuk!

So, I was about having a late lunch in a busy day. I promise a friend I’ll come by to do him a favor while I had a late treatment at the body spa 😦  I was in a hurry when I’m done at the day spa at around 1pm. I feel unwell, I don’t think I could drive myself. So I drop my car at home and took a commuter line to my friends place. Gak jauh-jauh amat sih cuma dari Karawaci ke Petojo. I should wait for like 20 minutes at the station because I just missed the train. Arrived at Duri station, another friend inisiatively pick me up. It was a hot day as I remember, I got headache and stomach was feels like hell and it’s getting worse padahal gue gak mau keliatan kalo gue lagi sakit! I don’t want my friend to feel sorry. Kan gue sakit bukan salah dia. Thank God I can lay my head for a while in his car, lol.

When we finally arrive at my friends place, we were working in a hurry. He was working on a short movie video and I do my part as necessary. I had a pancake with vanilla ice cream and also a cup of hot chocolate. It should be yummy if only I’m at my best health. Sayangnya enggak! 😦 Tapi tetep sih gue makan semua (๑・̑◡・̑๑)

Later when we had done, the one that pick me up at the station offer me a ride, he knows that I was sick. So I get in his car, can’t help to stay awake any longer. I close my eyes but I feel hell in my head and stomach. I was start to cry a little bit. He was about stop by at the atm nearby. I said “I’ll wait in the car“, so he keep the aircon on. Can’t help myself not to puke, I open up the door and puke! About 5 minute after  it, he’s back. He said he’ll drive me home. But I’m such a heartless idiot if I let him do that. Rumahnya di Duren Sawit, gue ke Karawaci, and we were at somewhere in Jakbar. It’s like Sun Go Kongs story, heading west from east looking for a scripture.

I got sick for another couple time after it. Everytime I feel sick, I open up the door and puke. I was about drive him mad karna sembarangan buka pintu bisa celakain pengguna jalan lain kan. He got an idea. He called a friend to accompany our stupid jurney. We pick up his friend, he’s leaving nearby, stop by at the alfamart to buy some drinks and tolak angin. Gue juga dibikinin air gula, baik banget kan temen gue… yang pada akhirnya gue minum seteguk dan berakhir di kantong plastik! He was asked the cashier girl an extra plastic bag. Sengaja. Buat gue muntah biar gak kebangetan nyusahin dan celakain dia. It was the longest trip from jakbar to home. Damn!

We made it. I arrived home safely. His friend had smoking before left the house. “Sebabut” : “sebatang, cabut”. Gue langsung tidur. Perut kosong. Sakit banget mompa muntah. Ga sanggup makan. Baru besokan paginya gue makan! 👻
Been a couple week after it, I hangout with this guy, the one that drives me home. We were with some other fellows. I said, ” …hey, btw, how’s your friend doing? He’s such a good guy ya that he don’t mind to accompany you driving that far”. He answered me slow, “ooh, he’s doin fine. He might worry about you and the baby”. 



Eeh? What baby? Lo yang gila apa gue yang budeg!
His explanation was undebateable. “Jadi gini nes, lo kan sakit, muntah-muntah.. Ya kan gue ajak temen mesti pake alasan donk.. and the reason is should be dramatic.. so I made up a story that you are pregnant. You were good in acting like a pregnant woman that day.”



Oh he’s sucks and I feel like a crap!!
He continue his story, so his friend was agree to accompany him. While he saw me, he believe that I’m pregnant. On their way back to Jakarta, his friend was asking “So, what would you do now? Marry her?” My friend was like “yeah, as it’s mine so yeah, what else can I do”. 


WTF! I wasn’t pregnant, I’m just disgustingly put him in a situation. I hate that his explanation was so right. Siapa juga orang gila mau nempuh jakarta barat – karawaci – tanjung duren 🙈.

Ciao!

Story #65. Things About Punching, Kicking, and YOU, and also stuff!

Hello there!

Saturday. I was attended a body combat class this afternoon. I love it like always. The class is about punching, kicking, strike, and sometimes jumping if you’re kinda on “energy explosion” mode on. Wondering what makes me love the class… All of the moves are a challenging mix of martial arts and endurance, unleashing strength I never knew I had. It’s like 60minutes that I can leave whatever on my messy mind just to –mostly– punch.

Have you ever feel like your mind is empty and messy at the same time? Don’t know what you thinking of but also feels like you full of shit. Do I look stupid for saying such thing? Well, I am! At the combat class I punch and kick the air, yeah an empty air. The air is as empty as my mind, but  my body is as busy as my mind, what a mess. The first time I’m join in this class, I imagine many things that bother me that day, and you and also some other faces that annoy me, and then imagine stuff that I don’t like but I can do nothing about it, and all those frustrated stuff magically energize me to punch, to kick, to jab, to strike, and even to jump. That was fun until as time goes by I can enjoy the moves with the music beat and energized by a happy feeling. Sometimes in the middle of the class, I feel like I can’t punch anymore. Had my heart race, out of breathe. Kadang sampai mau muntah rasanya. I don’t care, I just slow down for a while instead. But that’s the good thing, minutes when I don’t feel my self, minutes that I don’t think, minutes that i don’t remember how to feel any emotion. I just punch and kick as the rhythm play.  I feel it like a kick drum, beating faster in my chest. I start to enjoy it. My moves is no longer about anger and frustration but it turn into a happy feeling. Have no idea why it turn that way. The emotion just blew up and gone. The more I think about nothing, I can kick higher, I can punch stronger, I jump… errr.. not good, never higher than everyone at the class, but at least I try to jump, LoL!

I read this once that neurologist claim that every time you resist acting on your anger, you’re actually rewiring your brain to be calmer and more loving. Somehow it probably right. It’s a complicated world, plus you and stuff are sucks. Sometimes I get mad and I punch -the empty air, iya laah, i don’t punch people- I keep punching and when I feel like I can’t punch anymore, i just… PUNCH!

 

PS. I find my body in pain after the class, as always. But I don’t care. I love the pain instead. Just like I do love the complicated world. As complicated as your crazy love. It’s your saying, “Love is either crazy or it’s nothing at all” –Milan Kundera.

 

Ciao!

See you in my next episodes of life.

Story #64. A Birthday (Aple of my eye, love me till I Die – 1)

(A story from a friend, for her hidden child)


Dear you,
Hey, how are you doing today? Your birthday is about few days ago. You celebrate your first birthday at school, right? You start the school earlier than I was. I was 5 when I started, kids nowadays starts school earlier, your parent said it should be good for you to start an early “social interaction” with other kids at your age. You’re wearing a cute pink uniform, white socks, a pair of black girly shoes… look at that cute ponytail, you put a smile on your pretty face, you look so perfect! Yeah, I got a picture your mom sent to me, that’s how I know. She was also send me a short video when you make a line with your new friends before going to the class. You singing “naik kereta api, tut… tut.. tut..” as the teacher guide you to the class. Time flies, three years ago I was holding you in my arm, keep your tiny head next to my heart beat and I oftenly silly singing “apple of my eye, love me till I die“. And all you did was just sleeping, or greedily having me breast feeding you. I miss that moment. I do miss you.

I remember you were asking for a roller skates. I said to your mom and dad that I’ll give it to you as your birhday present. I know you really want it. But it was silly when your dad remaind me that you’re only three and you may get injured with it. “Sepatu roda? Waduh, jangan dulu deh.. nanti malah kegeblak dia..😓 Later when she get 5 deh..” he said. Stupid me, eh? 🙈 Thank to the parent that take a good care of you. Now you’re the heart of the family.
Parent. Your Parent. Two adult that commited to raise you. Adopt you for exact. Visit me regularly during the pregnancies that I hide from everyone, include your biological father, of course. They brought us a lot of food. You always like it. Do you remember? Been years in a marriage and wishing for a baby girl. And then you came, in such a magic way. They said it is a fate that you came to them thru me. I thank God that you’re with them. I bring you all into my pray.

This time is a special pray. I’m so lucky to see you growing up. To be close to you is something more than I deserve. I can’t thank God enough. I pray God that you’ll always bring love and happiness to the family. “…supaya kamu jadi anak yang pintar, baik, dan sopan.” Just like I whispered in your ear every morning at the chapel.

Happy birthday to you, (my) star bright. My best wishes for you. Apple of my eye, love me till I die.

Ciao!

Story #63. Love’s Just a Feeling

Hi there :- )

 

When I don’t know where else to go, Starbucks is always being my best choice. My favorite spot is fall to the one in Karawaci next to Benton Junction, and another one is close to Pasar Baru, Jakarta. I had my all time pleasure: Caramel Machiato. Ice. Grande. I do exercise but can’t help myself to reject hundreds of calories within, LoL ! Macchiato is an Italian word meaning “marked.” Perhaps there’s a story why an American franchisee put Italian name for the menus. I’m a coffee lover, but I don’t drink black. I like it smooth, sweet, and strong at the same time, like when the espresso hit the milk and blend with the caramel sauce.

 

I sat down at the corner, prepare my self to read a book, but I can’t. Guess I’m not in a good mood to read. I saw bunch of whatsapp notification on the phone screen. The number of notifications can be the same as the number of calories in my coffee. I’ll check them later. I went to youtube, instead. Check on Lindsey Stirling and found “Love’s just a feeling”.

 

Cause love’s just a feeling
Some kind of emotion
When you need the healing
When you’re all broken
Don’t overthink it
But for the moment live slowly

 

I wonder Is it really as simple as what she said? Well I remembered my dating record. Love is really just some kind of emotion that in term of hormonal can boost my mood in almost everything I do. Make me feel like   “I wanna fall like I won’t hit the ground, I wanna dance like nobody’s around, Walk on the edge and not look down, Follow my heart and lose my head into the clouds”.

 

Love is persist, it’s the man keep come and go. I fall, I broke my heart, I get heal, and then I fall again. The circle is bullshit but it’s the truth. As time goes by, I try not to overthink about it. I live the moment slowly, every moment, indeed. Each one of them are worth to live. Even that I have to face a hard time through it, love is really some kind of emotion with a fragile consequences. I was once feel like I’ll never be able to live again, I mean I’m not the same person as I ever was. I realize I do not change, I just grow up becoming somebody stronger. I’m not afraid to fall again. I hold my hands up, Afraid of so much. It’s time I let it all go, Maybe I’ve lost touch. In all the blind love. I’m gonna let it all go.

 

Cause love’s just a feeling
Don’t overthink it

But for the moment live slowly!

 

I sip my coffee, I love the espresso touch within. Kind of strong emotion that you can only taste it at the tip of the tongue.

 

Ciao!

See you in my next episode of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlYVNyq2i_0

Story #62. Born To Die


Come and take a walk on the wild side. Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane. Choose your last words.

This is the last time… ‘Cause you and I, we were born to die… (Lana del Ray)

Hey,
This is such a nice place in the morning! Been months I spent my sunday morning here for falun dafa, but don’t talk to me about my consistency practicing falun dafa. I am at the lowest level. Some people practicing yoga and tai chi here, and also aerobic 😅. Yeah, aerobic. The one with a loud music. Hard beat, also screams sometimes, while other excercises use only such instrumental. I sit down here waiting for my partner to come. With that loud music from the aerobic corner, I find it is not easy to concentrate here, but it’s a challange , I guess. Whatever. I used to come to this place years ago, spent the night with bunch of friends. I was early 20es, young, naif, and stupid! Late in the afternoon till drop this place is a hawker center. There are some restaurant as well, including two fancy korean restaurant, which I don’t like any, for me, Bornga is still the best! 

Sometimes I wonder and imagine randome things. Like the second I sit  here, listening to Lana del Ray singing we were born to die. My memory’s back to random moments in the past. What should a human do in their live if we were only born to die? What do they search? Why can’t we choose the way we die? I remember my 10years old nephew give a thought about death, he said “What makes people die? I mean, in what term God is taking someone’s live? A new born baby can die as well as an adult die cause of ill. A baby isn’t yet living a life, an adult might not yet enough time to do good things for people around, not enough chances to do awesome things in life. Kalo aku yang meninggal gimana? Baru umur segini, rasanya naik bajaj aja belom tau.” It was a stupid couple minute shocking moment for me as I never expect such question come from a kid. 

Well, technically we’re all were born to die. But life is about how we live the life, how we feel, how we deal. I believe that before we born, we’re all a free spirit. And then right before the universe magically blows us into a woman’s womb, turn us into fetus, we have had deal about whatever we face in life. It include happy and sad, up and down, consequences of options we take, chances, wtf. The second we born, it was like we push a reset button. We don’t remember what we had deal with the universe. We’re all an empty mind, growth to learn and to search our own meaning in life. To feel pain, to live the drama, to fullfil the emptyness of our souls. 

I’ve walk at the darkest and wildest side of my life. I can’t see what’s in front of me, all I know is to keep walking… 

…Would you walk with me? Be alive with me, let me kiss you hard under the pouring rain… We can lay down somewhere under the sky, don’t you know every second we look up to the sky is a handmade view from the universe just for us? If there’s another second I look up after you kiss my lips, the universe capture me another view. I wanna hear you whisper me your last word, perhaps this is the last time, cause we were born to die.

Ciao!

See you in the next stories 😉

Story#61. Sleeping Beauty

“Sleeping is nice, you can forget about everything for a little while…”

 

Do you know what is good about sleeping? Normal people can mention hundreds reason about health, beauty, whatsoever. For me, sleeping is a sacred rare moment happen in my life since…. since i was in high school, I guess? I often close my eyes to sleep but I didn’t really sleep. “Sleeping Beauty” for me is nothing but a nonsense. Oftenly, I keep my self busy and tired all day so I can sleep well at night. But it’s not always work out.

Many life stories in the world are worst than mine, I know. I just can’t stop thinking and figure out anything, small stuff somehow keep run in my empty mind…

Wondering how’s life will be if I never knew some people which their behave are away from my expectation? What if I marry with one of my asshole ex? I’m tired of adding names on the haters list, but what can I do since I can’t please everybody? What if I still work for Mr. ex boss? Will I have a better life? What if I die when I sleep? Will my spirit flying around the house and see my family and colleague come to see my death body? 

What if I get an unwanted pregnancies? What if I met the guy and get hesitate to decide whether I only admire him, or I just intense to flirt on him, or is he the one I really want in my life? What if I don’t need to behave? Can I say something like “Fuck this shit” and punch someone? Can I shoot people that ruin my day? What if I living in someone else’s life, will I be happy? What if I can talk better with my parent? What if I obey whatever my mother told me like eating veggie and don’t scratch my butt when I’m on period to avoid cellulite? What if illama and elepthant can fly? 

Still not yet to sleep. I try my best-non medical way to sleep: Crying, then my eyes become so tired and then yes, finally fall asleep. For a couple hours I am a sleeping beauty, I can forget about everything for a little while.

See you in my next episode!

Ciao!

Story #60. Me + God = Enough

“Me + God = Enough”

Ini status yang tercantum di bbm & whatsapp saya, juga pernah saya gunakan sebagai signature di salah satu email yang saya setting di hp blackberry. ~Dan tulisan ini udah dari 2015 ngendon di draft tapi gak pernah saya selesaikan hingga hari ini. ~ Saya menemukan rumus itu dari salah satu akun twitter beberapa tahun yang lalu. Kalimat tersebut adalah pengingat saya untuk senantiasa berserah diri kepada Tuhan. Waktu itu saya sedang berada pada situasi yang tidak menyenangkan, ruwet, menyebalkan, dan entah apa lagi kata yang tepat untuk mendeskripsikannya. Saya menempuh berbagai cara untuk bisa keluar dari situasi tersebut. Cara sebagai manusia biasa tentunya, dengan melibatkan sejumlah manusia lain, untuk memberi pelajaran pada sekelompok manusia yang lain lagi. Bingung ya? Coba baca sekali lagi!

Sebagian manusia pada kondisi kalut memiliki kecenderungan bertindak bodoh dan tidak solutif. Manusia berdoa, memohon jalan keluar terbaik atas suatu persoalan, tetapi tidak berserah diri pada Tuhan. E. Stanley Jones mengatakan, ” Kalau anda tidak berserah kepada Tuhan, anda akan berserah pada kekacauan.”
“Berserah” beda makna dengan “pasrah”. Dengan berserah, saya mempunyai semangat hidup yang tinggi, dan yakin akan pemeliharaan Tuhan atas hidup saya. Beda dengan pasrah, dimana hidup semacam tak ada lagi harapan, memandang segala sesuatu jadi pesimis. Endingnya orang pasrah bisa jadi bunuh diri, atau malah bunuh sesama! Formula “Me + God = Enough” bukan mentah-mentah saya tidak butuh manusia lain dalam hidup. Justru sesama manusia yang membawa kita pada pilihan untuk pasrah atau berserah. Toh Tuhan menggunakan kita manusia sebagai alatNya untuk berkarya. Dikasih kejadian yang tidak menyenangkan supaya kita jangan lupa bersyukur ketika kita diberi nikmat.

Kamu tau, Tuhan Yesus bilang “Datanglah kepadaku semua yang letih lesu dan berbeban berat. Aku akan memberi kelegaan kepadamu”. Siapa saja, katanya! Tidak terkecuali saya dan kamu! Serahkanlah pergumulan kepadaNya, jalani hidup sebaik-baiknya. Serumit-rumit masalah, pasti ada solusi. Lelah boleh, menyerah jangan. Dengar saran dari sesama manusia boleh, tapi jangan juga mudah terhasut. Berdoa dan berserahlah, karena kita ini hamba Tuhan dan Tuhan lebih mengenal kita lebih daripada kita mengenal diri sendiri. Maka terjadilah kepadaku menurut kehendakMu.

Me + God = Enough !

Story #59. Cheers To The Freakin’ Weekend

Hey there,

How are you guys doing? If you’re about to spend a weekend with your gank, then you may consider what I’ll show you.


Wanna guess where? It’s in Maribaya, Bandung. As we’re stayin Jakarta, we took a travel on friday night after office hour. It took about 2-3hours to reach Bandung thru highway. From Jakarta, the travel fare is 120K per person. The travel bus dropped us in their final stop in Cihampelas. We stay the night at the airbnb hotel close to Ciwalk. My best suggestion, do book the hotel days before, or if you book on the spot please compare the price that shows in traveloka or etc and direct call to the hotel.

We start our journey early in the morning. We took a rent car that picked us up in the hotel and take us to The Lodge Maribaya. Cost for the rent car was 700K for a full day book, include the driver and gas. We stop by at small resto for a breakfast on our way to Maribaya. The trip took about couple hours. Thank God we had breakfast  because the road is rocky, might cause you sick if you had empty stomach.

The Lodge Maribaya is an outdoor attraction. Suits for family (not suggest for babies) and friends. You should pay 20K per pax at the entrance gate and you deserve for a free fresh water when you exit (we didn’t took the water anyway, forgot we had one). Inside, you’ll find beautiful mountain view and some attraction you can play and took a great photo spot such sky tree, zip bike (this one is so much fun, swear, you should try!), and sky wing. Should pay (again) 15K – 20K for each. It’s not an all in ticket, so you won’t feel bad or feel lost if you ain’t play anything just because you don’t have enough guts to play! LoL!

We spent like a half day there. We stop due to the rain that comes right after we play the zip bike. We trapped with the rain but we’re happy with the siomay and mendoan at the food court there. They do not allow us to bring F&B from outside, but the food taste there are not bad at all. We leave there after the rain.

Our late lunch was in sundanese restaurant. We ate a lot and having a good deal. 7pax (big portion) and spent less than 300K. WOW!

After it we leave to the downtown. We visit a Upside Down World at Lebak Gede, Coblong. Pay the ticket 100K per each. A bit expensive, yes, but you won’t be sorry cause you’ll have your best experinces having a loooooottt of cute photos! There are staff that will happily helped us taking good pictures!

End of The Upside Down World, we drive to Lembang and having a coffee time in Lawangwangi Art Lounge Bandung. The F&B price is a bit expensive but the view and the place is worth it all :-). Too bad it was foggy so we have limited photo shoot. But it was a lot of fun as we always have some fun in every single situation! We end up our journey that night by staying at the hotel at Lembang, then go to drink fresh milk, and having a mid night dinner! LoL. As we leave in the morning, we were having lunch at Lapo and spoil ourselves eating pork which is so delicious, like you can taste heaven at the tips of your tongue (Haha… I’m sorry, I’m just a pork lover).

That’s how we spent our short weekend!

I’m sorry for not sharing too many pictures here. If you feel interest, then you should explore it yourself! Go grab your backpack for this weekend.

 

See you in my next episodes of life stories.

Ciao!